Me too!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
