If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize