standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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