I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
