so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
