He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
