so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
