Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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