im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
