Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
