Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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