I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
