I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
As shirtless as possible
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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