The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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