My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Houston, we have a blender
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
