i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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