I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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