So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
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