i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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