at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
