ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize