You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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