i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
babies were throwing up all over the place
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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