I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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