No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She's like a pop up book from hell.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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