he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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