i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
