Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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