I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
