her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
