I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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