I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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