I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
