Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Welp...herpes.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
