I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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