I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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