I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
