My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
