OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
