Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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