that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
