I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
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