So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
