When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
