do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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