No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
