3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
