I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
