My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
