Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
