Only a mothe r could love this liver
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
