I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
