Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
