Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
