I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
