Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
